Change of season

Fall is here.

I live in a beautiful state and all, but it is my opinion that only a few months out of the year are actually bearable, weatherwise. There are spring and early summer, which are just about perfect for me--rain, a fresh chill in the morning, lovely breezes. Then there is fall. Fall is a delicate balance between the last warm rays left over from summer and the harsh wasteland of cold that is winter. Fall is a scary time simply because it teeters so close to winter. And there's more to it than that.

Automatically, I get anxiety when fall comes. I have been conditioned to hate fall because it was the beginning of a new school year when I was a kid (back when I really hated school), among other things. But now, I become anxious because of what happened last year. Fall semester one year ago was one of the hardest times in my life. I was always worried, often depressed, and on the brink of some kind of breakdown. I was sad, and I cried a lot. I was stressed out beyond anything I'd ever felt before. Poor Dave must have equated this to me disliking our marriage, but really it was just a combination of the depressing weather and a very, very difficult school semester. It was horrible. It was a hell I don't even know how to describe fully, and would never wish on anyone.

But this year is better. I do feel a touch anxious, but when it gets bad I remind myself that it is due to memories of last year, not because I'm actually sad now. In fact, I'm feeling better than I ever have in many ways. I'm almost done with my associates (a small but satisfying academic step for me), my classes are hard but not impossible (and are, in fact, fun!), and Dave and I are happier together than ever. I feel generally more confident about school, people and relationships. I know I am one who is prone to depression, and some days feel eerily like last year, but on the whole things are great. Doesn't it feel wonderful to look back on something that was just so hard, so draining of everything that you are, and realize that you made it through?

Those things still don't change the weather, though. I have to tell you--winter in this state is one of the worst things on earth. I hate snow. Hate, hate, HATE! Once in a great while, I feel brave and am willing to go outside and play in the snow, but mostly I just want it to go away. I don't enjoy any winter sports, and I don't like walking in snow or standing in it while waiting for the bus. It is in the way and it's cold and deadly to drive in. Fall is nice now, but in a short time that white stuff will fall innocently from the sky and cover everything. but trust me, it's not innocent at all. Arrgh!

Sorry. Sometimes, though, I actually do miss living in Arizona. Best. Winters. EVER.

On the bright side, though, Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming, and those are my favorite holidays. They are a brightness in the midst of the drudgery of those cold winter months.